A Mothers Vent

My children and I were sitting down to yet another night of Mac-n-Cheese and whatever vegetable was in the refrigerator, when my third eldest said "mom, we should take a vacation and go to Hawaii"; I coughed and almost choked on my .95 Mac-n-Cheese. "Honey", I replied "if you think we could afford a holiday in Hawaii or for that matter anywhere, would we be sitting here eating this cardboard tasting cheap dinner?" I cannot even afford to buy decent food let alone take a holiday. It was certainly a let down for all of them. They moaned and pouted throughout the rest of our meek dinner...I felt like a loser of a mom. Wow, I thought to myself I cannot even take my kids on a two day holiday anywhere, there are no funds to be had. Now, if I had not put braces on all 4 of them, taken out college loans for the eldest, have them in a tuition laden school, buy them clothes, pay for their medical and dental insurance, drive them wherever they wish to go, let their friends live here for free, buy them birthday, Christmas gifts, pay for their driver’s license, pay for their haircuts, their electricity, their water, their Netflix, their shampoo, tooth paste, make up, their books, school needs, social needs, extra curriculum school activities, piano lessons, house rent, paints, canvas...(need I go on)then maybe I would have the funds and would be able to take them on a much needed holiday. But this is not the case. Someone has to take care of them and I do it all with love, care and moments of serenity.
After "I" did the dinner dishes and finished helping them with their homework and finished all my papers for my classes I had them sit down in front of our little TV and made them watch a beautiful film called "The Human Experience." They all protested at first but they did not cross me at that moment, they knew I was not to be out voted. "The Human Experience" is a film made by two young men in their early 20's who had grown up in a very low income part of Queens, NY and dealt with growing up along gangs, thugs and alcoholic and drug addicted parents...who basically did not give a damn about them. These young men set out on a journey experiencing life from every angle. They first lived homeless in the streets of NY for an entire month. Sleeping in card board boxes, begging for money for food and showering in shelters. After a month of grime and hunger (and the loss of 20 pounds apiece) they decided to go further. They went back to living at their previous home, which was a house run by a church where they began to work and saved money to go to third world countries. They documented their experience through the lens of a hand held camera.
There most saddening and rewarding moments came as they struggled to help keep children alive from malnutrition and disease in India and lived with an orphanage in Peru where all the children were mentally or physical handicap. They fell in love with all these children and lived as they did not knowing if they would survive the coming days or weeks or months. The love and tenderness they gave all of these children and the respect they gave to those who cared for them was insurmountable.
These young men wanted nothing in return 9unlike so many other Americans, who feel these deserve everything and more), they just wanted to help in any way human possible way. It was beautiful, heart wrenching, sad but glorious.
From the corner of my eyes I watched my children viewing this film and saw their expressions change from fear, sadness and elation. They all cried during moments of tenderness and when viewing and hearing how some of these children were treated by parents and society. I wanted my children to see how blessed we are, how much they have, how the rest of the world lives. Yes, so many millions of people have so, so, so much more than we do but we survive and are healthy (with the exception of my eldest) and have a Government that sometimes gives a shit about us.
At the end of the film my children were somber but full of questions and statements. It was what I wanted; I prevailed at teaching my children through the eyes of others just how much we have. It was a good night. I taught them a valuable lesson that I believe so many parents do not. Not saying all parents other than myself do not teach their children values, principles and morals, for I am not the best mother, I do not always make the best decision but I try and try and try to do what is best for my children and those that stumble into my home when they have no other place to go. However, if we could all teach our children that living is a gift perhaps they would find more reason to be filled with joy for what they have and not what they want?

A Mothers' Vent again

Last week's vent was not necessarily something that I am proud about. It had been a tumultuous week, needless to say. My eldest had been diagnosed with Manic Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia. My first born, my brilliant, most talented child. Beautiful, eccentric, but ill. Very ill and of course will not take her meds. She is 18...there is nothing I can do but try and gain guardianship for her. But as usual it is easier to walk down the street with a bottle of Jack, in a bunny suit pulling 10 Kangaroos on leashes than it is too gain real mental health care. As well as that unfortunate situation, another inevitable undesirable, sad, life altering situation occurred; my father at the age of 81 passed away without any of his children by his side. As I stated it was a tumultuous week and again, if I hurt anyone's feelings or was not politically aware or respectful I apologize.

Now for the real vent. We slave as mothers out of love. We go through the nine months of change and loving from the moment we know we have another incredible life inside of us (what a gift...I think I would feel cheated had I not been a women...just to give birth) we go through the pain, real pain of giving birth, we deplete our natural God given resources until they are no longer viable until the next pregnancy, we cook, clean, change diapers, wake in the middle of the night regardless if they are crying or not...we wake because it is what we do, we kiss the booboo’s, we hurt when they hurt, we give guidance, we give advice, we praise and praise and give them everything that we are...just for them because we created them they are ours. Until they are no longer ours. That is usually around 14 maybe 15. We are no longer the center of their universe, there are rare moments when they stroke our arm and ask if we are ok? It is rare when their sentences begin with "us..".it is usually now "I" or "what." I need this, I need that, what about me, what about the new clothes you promised, I need a car when I turn 16, I think you are stupid, I am right you are wrong, what about my party, what about my allowance...oh I forgot the "can I...do this, do that, go here, go there...so and so's mom said she could, he could, they could."

Perhaps if they did not go through this mind blowing, frustrating phase from about age 14 to 24 maybe, just maybe I would not be the parent I thought I was. I am accepting of the 'I" and the "what" and the everything that they come up with because they are growing up and recognizing themselves as individuals. It is hard, sad but a very real part of being a parent to let go and let them make their own decisions...even when you tell them that decision is going to bite them in the behind. It has been a hell of a ride having to let go of even one, but I guess that is what it means to give life and get old (er).

My children were going through old photos and came across this one. This was 1999, it was the night before I was leaving for France for a week to attend a seminar in regards to Anthropology. That was the first time I had ever left my children for more than a night which was for giving birth to another most loved child. Wild. Wild. Wild. Ok, I changed the rotation in "paint" but it did not occure here.

 

A Mother's Vent off the beaten path.

It is a sunny morning today (9.8.2012...I think) and I take a walk with the dogs to Circle K to pick up half and half and juice for the children. While I am at CIRCLE K I am approached by an elderly man who appears very sick, emaciated, unkempt, open sores covering his face and body he also has a dog who looks literally lifeless. He asks for money. Those of you that know me, know I have not two dimes to rub together and can barely keep my head above water due to all the children needs' and the lack of help from their conceiver's known as dead beat fathers.

I go back in to CIRCLE K and purchase, sandwiches, chips, vitamin packets, band-aids, dog food, gallons of water and a huge candy bar. I do not purchase cigarettes nor alcohol for the homeless man, I purchase what he needs to survive at least for the rest of the weekend. As I am paying for the items with my maxed out Visa the non English speaking witch with the painted on eyebrows and paint by color make up informs me in her broken English that purchasing food or items for the homeless on their property is against CIRCLE K policy.

Yes, I keep my cool and do not lash out at the pimply face, foul smelling illegal for following CIRCLE K policies. She too wants to keep her job, a job that allows someone such as her self that is most likely not legal...

I tell her I have changed my mind and that I will purchase the items for myself. She begins to get attitude. I let her go through her words filled with incorrect grammar and spittle which I happen to dodge although a couple wet ones do land on my cheek. I purchase my items walk out go to the homeless man and begin to help him put them in his cart. I open the bag of dog food pour some in the ground and the dog immediately begins to devour the food. I search for an empty cup in the near by garbage to fill it with water for the dog. The man is grateful and in tears. I am almost in tears and wanting like to hell to have money in my life to help these people out. After sitting with the homeless man for a few minutes helping him organize his basket filled with filthy blankets, empty bags, one shoe a police car pulls right up and two offices get out their car and come up to me and ask me for my ID? WTF?

I don't have my ID I have my CC and that is it and my three dogs...which are all getting very, very agitated especially Jetta my Belgian Malinous ex-Patrol dog for Las Vegas International Airport.

They tell me I have to leave the CIRCLE K premises because I went against what the non English pimply faced clown wearing make up bimbo told me.

I leave with my pride and tell the homeless man I hope he has a good day and not to eat too fast or he will get sick.

My dogs are all growling not at the homeless man but at the two patrol officers and that pathetic watse of space non human CIRCLE K employee (who has come out side to watch in all her glory). I am afraid I cannot control the dogs and they are going to attack them. I get my dogs in line we begin to walk towards my home but I turn around before they all disperse and ever so gently with such pose and grace I call to them all and beautifully give then the finger.

What is happening to this Country is beyond me. We are all rich with luck that we have a roof over our heads, we have medical care, we have AHHHCS, Cigna, a car, enough money to not be on the streets (barely). We are all rich...and blessed and this poor man due to bureaucracy, lack of mental health care in AZ, red tape, policies and capitalism...what about him and others like him? What a selfish Nation/State/CIRCLE K Corporattion.

I was informed that I was no longer allowed in that CIRCLE K. Like I really give a flying F? Please, really, seriously?

Forgive me if there are spelling errors in my ranting I am not really carrying about my grammar at this time.

My vent is over.