I don’t have much to blog about. Have spent the good part of my days all week searching for my 19 year old daughter. No one has seen her or heard from her. She is not taking her meds or her birth control. Without her med's she is completely psychotic without her birth control she could get pregnant. Wow, a schizophrenic pregnant 19 year old is not a good combination. The police do not really help; at first they would not even let me file a missing persons report. Something that has to do with the time line, age and pretty much bullshit on their part. We put up fliers with her photo and contact numbers, but to no avail, have not heard a word from anyone. I would like to think that she is ok, just sick, scared and can't manage to pull it together. That is such a better thought compared to the other thoughts I have had.
It is a sad, hurtful somber feeling knowing that your child is ill, not just ill but a sickness that is stigmatized in society; like she had a choice of getting sick or not getting sick. She was such a beautiful baby, born on Easter of 1994, my first born. I always knew something was wrong with her as a child, and once she was diagnosed at the age of 7 with Asperger’s it all made sense. Did not make it any better, but at least I had a name to put with her different approaches and mannerisms. Her current illness began to rear its ugly head during her junior year in HS. This was the year she had a little pig in her pocket that she talked with and the ghost boy that followed her everywhere she went, but only talked to her during the night. These were her friends, her only friends. She is a waif of a child only 5 feet tall, 90 pounds dripping wet, pure white almost translucent skin and dark, dark brown eyes. Wish I could take all of it away and put it in me so she can finally be free from this never ending battle of voices and being terrified. There is nothing I can do for my child. I have tried everything and have exhausted every resource that is available. There is nothing out here for individuals such as my daughter, who suffer endlessly because the state and insurance companies are all too greedy and they all want their hand in the cookie jar.
This is a debilitating illness which takes away all that is sane, all that a person is. It takes the light and sparkle away from their eyes leaving them dull and lifeless looking. This illness strips a person of even knowing who they are. It is a mess of an illness...it is close to what I think would be like living in Alice and Wonderland.
I am terrified for my child, my bright, beautiful, talented, gifted brilliant child.
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